


i'm still comparing your past to my future

by orphan_account



Series: who can't stop staring at the mirror [7]
Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Trans Female Character, Trans Male Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 07:16:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8392240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In which Patrick looks at Allie's pre-transition photos, and he can't help but feel dysphoric.





	

Patrick loved Allie. Damn, he loved her a lot. She had gone through HRT and she had surgeries. They were dating and Patrick saw her as the girl she was, not Pete as she once was. But, when he felt dysphoric, he couldn't help but wonder if she, before transitioning, was more of a man that he'd ever be.

Patrick hadn't gone on T yet. He didn't have more than a few binders, meaning he hadn't had top surgery yet. He was young and he didn't know if it was too soon to undergo drastic changes like that.

It was early in the morning and Allie was somewhere in the house they both lived in. Patrick still hadn't put his binder on; always reserving it for when he'd have to deal with strangers or people who didn't know he hadn't always been Patrick. He only had eight hours, anyway, to use it. To use it safely, at least.

He took his laptop and scrolled through Allie's facebook. He was bored, and a bit dysphoric. Allie didn't mind seeing his boobs; he'd tell him it didn't make him any less of a boy. But he felt like they did sometimes. It was a constant reminder he wasn't in the body he felt was his.

He found the photo album called 'pre-transition'. He swallowed hard and clicked on it. Allie had only transitioned when she was twenty-two and he seventeen, and so he had knew her as Pete for a while.

Flat chest, Adam's apple, masculine features. Patrick felt like he was going to throw up; he wanted to be like that. To be a man. To be what Allie once was; a man, a man with a penis, whatever. He didn't like his body, his vagina, his breasts. It was almost asphyxiating to be in his own body.

He started sobbing as he saw more photos of Allie when she still presented as a man; her flat chest, her muscles. Patrick felt a knot on his throat.

"Trick?" he heard Allie from outside the room. She opened the door and her eyes fell on him, and her gaze softened. "Baby, what's wrong?"

"I just..." he said, hiccuping. "You look so much more masculine pre-transition than I do."

Allie kissed him, and put the laptop down. "Patrick. You're a man no matter what; don't compare yourself to my past self. It's no use."

Patrick gave in to the second, then third kiss, enjoying his girlfriend's attention. He loved her, and he knew he shouldn't compare her past to his future; as she had said, it was no use.

"You'll get surgery soon and you'll be on T. You'll be even more handsome than you already are, love."

Patrick smiled and peppered kissed across Allie's face. "I love you," he said against her lips.

"I love you, too," Allie responded, and it sounded like a vow as they intertwined their fingers together.


End file.
